Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Freeflow! true story of me! "I left my heart on the steps"

I left my heart on the bottom step of the escalator.
I didn't want to take the ride up or down because I knew where it would lead me.
Back in the same spot again.
I even tried to talk to you & let you see that one part of me.
The part that cries & actually spills out my real emotions.
I sat on the phone with you twice but I don't think you heard me crying.
Walking through the mall with tears down my face but I didn't care.
I wasn't ashamed.
I just wanted to feel CARED for by your heart not your words.
Considered. Acknowledged. Read. Encouraged. Dedicated.
Even if it was only some time for you to just sit there.
Be by my side & watch me pour out my heart about nothing or something.
In front of you.
Not by phone or text.
But I had to cover my own wounds & stitch my own heart back into pieces.
None back in the same place as they fell.
I don't know how I'm still breathing.
How didn't I take my last breath last night & be the only one left to tell my story.
No one chooses to read me.
When I put one emotion in front of the other.
Like footsteps but I can't go back & retrace them when I get lost.
I only lose the feelings I once had.
I won't read anymore.
I hate being able to read into people who can't read me.
I will no longer be psychic to people & being able to know what they feel even when they don't.
Its like a story with no ending.
I read into people & constantly drop everything for them.
I go out of my way to be there for people because my mind & heart makes me.
I listen to people pour out their pity petty stories of their hearts.
Encountering them as if it were my own problems.
Carrying others stress & bullshit lives.
Though never seeing, that when Its my heart on the line.
Standing in front of that down arrow of the escalator....
No one cares to see, or attempt to catch me if I am taking that step into a downward tunnel of my own emotional downfall.
I constantly hear people say I have a crazy strength about my life that is hard to figure out......
I still sit & wonder why people attempt to want to figure me out but when I'm CLEARLY at my worst.
I call out for their help.
Just to be in my presence.
But in my eyes, it always fails.
They stray away or don't truly care enough to make time & I am once again, left, alone.
No one sees, that when I cry, is when I need someone the most.
I never cry!
When I do, I am clearly on a low that is hard for me alone to pick up.
It is an unusual test of my spirit that invites few in, to see the truth in my heart.
To see the REAL essence that a person like me has.
But everyone always misses out.
I don't want someone to claim to be worried about me.
I don't want to hear someone say that they care about me.
Why claim something?
Why say anything out of your mouth & not take ownership of your words?!
Actions speak LOUDER!
So again I cover my footsteps & move on to another chapter in my life.
As usual.

"They say a smile & tears is the most beautiful things that you can share with a person. But how much beauty is in you tears if your watered vision is the only one that sees them & you have to wipe them away, all alone?" -QSS


  1. What powerful words. Your transparency is inspiring

  2. Wow dat was deep but great as well.